Ways to Stay Close to Your College Kid Without Hovering

There is a very fine line between checking in on your son or daughter at college and realizing you’ve sent three unanswered texts before lunch.

We spent the first 18 years of our kids’ lives knowing where they were at all times. We knew everyone they were spending time with, what time they needed to be at practice, and exactly what time (to the minute) that they had to be at the bus stop.

Now that we’ve dropped them off at college, we’re suddenly supposed to just be fine with having no idea where they are or what they’re doing…and sometimes not even hearing from them for days at a time?

This was the hardest part for me. I don’t believe that I ever fit the role of “helicopter parent,” but I did want to know where my kids were and considered myself very involved in their lives.

The good news is that giving your kids some space to build lives of their own doesn’t mean stepping out of those lives completely.

Here are 10 ways to stay connected with your son or daughter while they’re away at college, without suddenly becoming a helicopter parent this late in life.

1. Agree on a Communication Rhythm Together

To alleviate some of the stress and awkwardness of communicating with your kids, the best thing to do is talk to them about it before they even leave.

Set expectations early. I personally think you should let your student choose how often you hear from each other.

In my experience, your child will expect to hear from you far more often than you’d think!

I expected my kids to say they wanted to call me once a week.

Instead, my daughter was happy to agree to call me between classes at least once every couple of days. My son agreed to text during his walk to his earliest class every day.

There really isn’t a correct answer here.

The important thing is that you find a rhythm that works for both of you.

You can even set the tone early that if you feel especially homesick for your child that you may text them a quick “miss you” text, and that you’d love to hear back…but promise that you’ll keep these to a minimum (and then keep that promise!)

Setting the tone early means your kids know they can live life without worrying that you’re sitting at home waiting for them to text or call.

Our kids actually worry about us empty-nesters far more than you’d think!

2. Let Them Reach Out First Sometimes

Every now and then, let your child reach out first.

Even if that means you sit on your hands for a few days and refrain from texting them when you REALLY want to.

Give them a little space and let them decide when to contact you.

As a mom I can tell you, it feels so good when my kids reach out to me just because they want to!

Knowing that your kids miss you, even if they reach out less often than you’d prefer, is so reassuring that we’ve done something right.

Let your kids build their busy lives and reach out without making them feel guilty about not reaching out quite enough!

3. Send Low-Pressure Texts

Make sure you’re a little careful with how much pressure you’re putting on your child when you reach out.

The last thing we want is to evoke anxiety in our kids when they see our name pop up on their phone.

Send funny things that make you think of your kids, a quick message that doesn’t end in a question, or a throwback picture you know they’ll remember.

Sometimes just reaching out is enough to make you feel better, without making your child feel obligated to text back.

4. Send Real Mail

We’ve gone over what you should send to your college student and what makes for a great care package.

Every once in a while, send a card with a handwritten note.

Send cards sometimes when there is no birthday or holiday in sight.

You don’t need a special occasion to send a short letter or a small care package.

I love to send small things like lip balm or face cream to my daughter and random gift cards to my son.

Random gifts and letters from home are fun for your college student to receive and are a great way to feel connected to your child without seeming overbearing!

5. Share Something to Talk About

My husband and I naturally have a lot in common with our kids because we are all huge sports fans.

During football season, we talk about the NFL a ton, and it gives us a lot of natural things to reach out about. The communication about these things goes both ways.

We were noticing that when football season was over, we received less texts from our kids, and we missed them!

We started listening to a podcast we knew our daughter listens to and started watching a show we knew our son was obsessed with.

Now we have lots of things to talk about that aren’t “how was class” or your child asking for more money for food!

6. Plan Visits With Them, Not For Them

Don’t show up at your college student’s campus without planning the visit with them!

As sweet as it sounds and as much as you may want to surprise your child, it just isn’t a great idea.

Your son or daughter has a whole life happening at college that you aren’t a part of.

You wouldn’t want to interrupt plans with their friends, a plan to binge watch a new Netflix show, or catch up on studying for a big exam.

Just plan on visiting during family weekend when everyone else is expecting their families to visit as well.

Plan any other visit with your child and respect their boundaries.

Surprise visits at college are almost always a bad idea!

7. Ask Open Questions, Not Interrogations

When you hear from your son or daughter only once per week, it’s easy to make your phone call turn into an interrogation.

Especially if you’ve been working on texting less throughout the week.

You probably have dozens of questions and will view this phone call as your opportunity to have all of your questions answered.

Suddenly, their weekly Sunday phone call feels way more stressful than they expected AND they aren’t getting to talk about what they really wanted to.

Instead, try asking open ended questions and then just. let. them. talk!

Another thing that I think doesn’t get talked about enough…when you can sense that your child is ready to get off the phone, let them.

Don’t try to extend the conversation just because you miss them.

You may accidentally make them contact you less because they’re afraid of getting stuck on the phone with no polite way to hang up.

Let the conversation flow naturally, let it be as stress-free as possible, and just soak up the moments that you get to hear from them!

8. Be a Sounding Board, Not the Fixer

One thing that surprised me about college life is just how stressful it seems to be for my kids.

Don’t get me wrong, they seem to absolutely love their lives at college, but there are SO many examples of times they have called my husband and I with a problem.

Friend drama, not having enough hours in the day, stress over classes, money problems…you get the idea.

Then there are the bigger dilemmas. On more than one occasion, one of my kids has declared that they need to change their major because they met someone with the degree they’re pursuing who absolutely hates their job.

Apparently one conversation with a complete stranger is all it takes to reconsider your entire future!

Before jumping right into fixer mode, just hear what your son or daughter is saying.

Most of the time, they just need to rant. They don’t actually want you to help them figure out their problem.

I’ve learned to say “hmm”, “oh”, and “ahhhh” a lot over the course of my kids’ college careers without offering advice!

Just listen. It’s often all they need to feel better and you can officially hang your Mr. Fix It hat in the back of the closet where it belongs!

9. Stay Out of Grades and Professors

I was truly shocked at how often my friends were contacting their children’s colleges and even, on occasion, reaching out to professors.

Apparently this is a practice that is increasingly common.

Maybe you’re used to contacting teachers when your child was in school, keeping track of their grades, and fixing it when something wasn’t right.

College is different.

Your student is now responsible for completing their assignments on time, communicating with their professors, and finding solutions to the problems they’re facing.

In fact, privacy laws actually limit what information your child’s college can share with you, because FERPA rights transfer to the student when they attend college.

You can ask your child how their grades are, and I would absolutely expect you to still care about their success!

But if they think a grade is unfair, that is up to them to discuss with their professor. Unfortunately, it is now out of our hands as parents.

10. Keep Family Traditions Going, Adapted

One of the things I had to grieve when my kids were going away to school is that so many of our family traditions had to fall by the wayside.

It wasn’t until a friend told me that she had decided to protect their traditions, even if it meant tweaking them, that I realized we could do the same!

For example, we have always celebrated the exact minute each of our children were born, even when it meant waking up cranky teenagers.

Now, we still annoy them at their minute of birth, but we do it with a text.

We still count down to Christmas together with goofy pictures of my husband holding a sign with the number of days left.

We bake Christmas cookies when everyone comes home, and somewhere along the way, we’ve accidentally started some new traditions too.

My husband sends pictures of every meal I burn (yes, even after all these years, I still can’t cook.)

We pick up coffee as a family when we pick one of our kids up from college, no matter what time of day it is.

I make cinnamon rolls for breakfast each time the kids are home…and yes, I often burn those too.

Our traditions have managed to survive our kids moving out. We still manage to drive our children crazy, and thankfully, they still love us enough to admit that they’re excited about some of our new traditions we’ve accidentally started.

Signs You Might Be Hovering

If you’ve made it this far and think maybe you’ve annoyed your child by hovering, don’t worry.

Everything we do as parents comes from a place of loving them and wanting the best for them.

Checking their location constantly, emailing their professors, calling daily, solving roommate conflicts…these are easy things to stop doing today, and to apologize for.

You can tell your child that you’ve realized you may have been invading their new lives and that you could have handled things differently.

Commit to your new life of not hovering and trust your child to make their own choices. Your relationship with your child will be better for it, and you can lay down the stress that comes with trying to fix everything!

Staying Close as Your Relationship Changes

At the end of the day, staying close to your child isn’t about how often your kids call home.

Your goal should always be to build a relationship with your kids that make them want to keep coming back home.

Let your kids know that you will handle it well when they inevitably make mistakes, when they change their minds, and when they make choices that you may not agree with.

Ultimately, we don’t want to be forcing our kids to have a relationship with us. We want to develop a deep relationship with them that will stand the test of time and distance.

Luckily, you’ve been laying that groundwork for 18 years. It’s just shifting into a new chapter.

Your kids still need you, it’s just in different ways than ever before.

I loved my kids as adorable toddlers, but I wouldn’t give up the beautiful relationship I have with them as adults to turn back time, even if I could.

Trust me when I tell you, if you stop hovering and just let them spread their wings, your relationship with them will be the most beautiful version it has ever been!